As Malakai gets older, more boundaries are set on how motherly I can be. From both of us. His constant reminders that he is not a baby while I’m trying to get him to sleep in his bed. The need to nurture and the reality that he can’t get everything he wants the moment he asks for it. In a way, things were easier when he was a baby. A time when he used to crawl around, take naps, and sleep wherever we put him. It’s silly, but our relationship is a catch-22, Malakai and I both want him to grow up and not be babied, while both of us are stuck from breaking away from the babying habits. 

This year, we had a SpongeBob birthday. Krabby Patti wall streamer, featuring little paper and plastic jellyfish. The temporality of it all irks me. We would all have SpongeBob Birthdays after this if only the plastic decorations lasted more than one go. (Next time, I’ll get more sustainable decorations and switch my Tupperware from plastic to glass. I know these are the changes I need to make.) Water-themed tablecloth, with a net table runner. The fake tattoos and lollipops, all SpongeBob themed. It’s not that Malakai watches SpongeBob much, even though I’m sure he’s seen it before. We are just settling back from a family trip to Hawaii with my husband’s parents, so the theme of the ocean seemed to match. 

Malakai went through his presents on his own time while waking up. He was less interested in the presents and more interested in relaxing on his day home from school. Each grandparent called him throughout the morning, and as he answered, they tried to tempt him to open their present sent in the mail, some in rectangular gift bags, others in Amazon sacks. Getting his attention wasn’t easy, but one grandma managed to coax him into opening her present. Malakai received Nerf guns, Legos, a Monster Truck, and some nice clothes. He played for a while before resorting to a screen.

At least until his best friend came over. It wasn’t an immediate excitement, like I’d like to type out. It started with him hiding, and then rejecting, and then finally wanting to show off all his toys and play. She announced, “He is Mountain Love! And I am Dennis.” I’m going to refer to her as Dennis. They ran around with the bug catcher and built their terrarium. Malakai was satisfied with just bugs, but Dennis decorated it with grass, leaves, and flowers. They jumped on the trampoline and practiced slamming down on their butts, running from soccer balls that dipped to them when they jumped, and crack-the-egg to see whose jump was stronger. We sat down at the table and enjoyed SpongeBob Pineapple sodas, along with brisket and chicken. Malakai’s dad came home right in time to sing Malakai Happy Birthday, and Malakai blew out the candles- all four. 

The next morning, Malakai fought us to go to school. This is a regular morning routine where he doesn’t enjoy getting up and going to his daycare. Once he’s there, he always has fun, and when I pick him up, he is often very happy. I feel safe at the school he’s at, and I worry about the next step. I’m worried that he will fight even harder at a new school, which will make it harder for me to drop him off. When he fights me about going to school, I think of all the ways I can keep him home. What kind of work can I do while still giving him all the benefits of going to a school? In the long run, I’m going to have to let go, and again, the push and pull of not wanting him to grow up, and also being ready for him to grow up. The beautiful fours.