After being in the festival scene for ten years, I have been introduced to a fair share of magical creatures. Most women I run into associate with the magical Faye. This includes fairies, pixies, and whatever version of the winged, magical creatures. I’ve never been gentle or graceful. Faye is different from the category I fall under. For me to manifest, I have to call to the Earth, ground down, clear my mind, and call upon helping energy. It has never been a flicker of a wand or a little bit of pixie dust; in other words, things have never come to me easily.

I have realized that I stomp on the ground, dance like a monkey, and sneeze like an elephant. My space is organized for those who can appreciate an earthly way of organization, and my heart is always open until given a reason to be closed, and then it’s hard to get it to open up again. Now trolls are a Norwegian myth. They are creatures of the Earth, and when exposed to the sun, they turn to stone. They live in solitude or small clans. They travel and like to make dark, damp, and forgotten places of the forest their home. They are often criticized for being evil and ugly, but trolls are widely misunderstood. They are also full of knowledge, hope, and adventure. Trolls can come in all sizes but are descendants of giants; hence they are known to be large creatures. Some trolls are forest trolls, bridge trolls, and dormant underground trolls. Hell, I think I started as a desert troll. Dancing to drum and bass and dark house out in the High/ Mohave desert. Spinning fire in the dust, the audience being the stars whom I was sure could see my flames. My point is we don’t all have to be fairies, and we don’t have to give a damn what other people think of us.

As a troll, I have a dry sense of humor but find myself funny, laughing in my head over my jokes. I enjoy kicking up dirt, and before I met my husband, I searched for him at every party, gathering, and event, stomping around till the wee night. This fire kept me going and awake, making me particularly worn and dirty compared to my peers. When I met Jeremy and told him my weird troll idealism, he said he knew I was the one. He is the hermit. He is the gatekeeper. He is a source of hermetic philosophy. When I met him, we fit like a glove; when we are apart, like a puzzle, not all the pieces are there.

I get criticized by the wisest of fairy folk for my trollin’. I also understand where they come from. Why would you call yourself that? Why would you categorize yourself as something dimwitted and ugly? Well, my life wasn’t full of acceptance. Instead, I found myself rejected, pushed away and exiled. The more time I spent alone, the more I found myself, learned to express my weird ways, and came to peace with who I am. The more I come into myself, the less I have to hide, and the more I can turn away from the people who hurt me. It’s hard to let go of the people I have been told to trust, those who are supposed to guide me. Having a partner who loves and accepts me allows me to let go of that crow pecking at my shoulder, telling me I can’t do it, I’m not good enough, I’m incapable. Even more so, he has helped me gain the energy to turn away from the people I trusted to guide me, that instead ostracized and controlled me. By turning away, I have given myself space to love myself, work on myself, and be myself- not what society has told me I must be.

I am coming to a remarkable transition in my life where I can break away from the societal norms that were pressured onto me, the long aboding laws that were carved into my mind and body, and instead make my own story up, my reality—one where I fit into my version of self, can reach my potential and can grow in my art, literature, and well-being. My advice is not to be scared to go against the grain, and when everyone tells you, why would you want to be that? Why would you categorize yourself as something like that? Make your own narrative. Not every troll has to be rude, ugly, and drooling. No, the trolls are working with the Earth to help create the space and magic the fairies live in. Respect all creatures, magical or not, and find your own potential.